Introduction

Introduction

If you somehow stumbled across this blog while browsing the internet there are a few things you need to know.  First of all, I can’t tell you my name that was the one thing I insist upon. I don’t need someone I know reading this and spreading it all over school. Secondly, I am being forced to write this against my will. I personally think that my life is no one’s business but my own. My evil therapist and my overbearing mother, however, think that this will be good for me. That it will help to “fix” me. Fix what you may ask?  Oh just the fact that an entirely different person may invade my body at any second. Queue the confused and weirded out looks.  Before you ask, no I’m not being possessed by ghosts or demons. And no, I am not faking this for “attention.”  Believe me; I just want everyone to stop staring at me like I’m an alien. I would give anything to go to a normal school, to be talked to like an actual human being instead of like unpredictable and dangerous animal that could snap at any moment.

Most of the time (well some of the time) I am just a normal, seventeen year old girl.  I love to read, watch movies, and draw.  I hate math, but love English. My parents are divorced, and I live with my mom, stepdad, and three younger siblings.

The name for a thirty sided shape is a triacontagon, and that’s me. I am a dice with thirty different sides, thirty different personalities that can change at any moment.  I could go from ordinary me to John, Anne, Sally, or Daisy in a split second.

My therapist wants to try and get at least a few of them to blog. He hopes that maybe then I can better understand them. He’s tried almost every treatment there is for DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder) that’s known to mankind; hypnosis, anti-depressants, psychotherapy, cognitive therapy, family therapy (Dissociative Identity Disorder (Multiple Identity Disorder)" Cleveland Clinic.), all to no avail. This is the last resort, creative therapy. Some people do art but since none of my personalities, including myself, have ever been capable of drawing more than a stick figure, writing will have to do.

Well, that’s it. Maybe I’ll write again. Maybe.

DID

DID

What is DID you may ask? Well, the long way to say it is Dissociative Identity Disorder. My doctors explained it to me like this; according to professionals and tests done, it is caused by repeated physical or sexual abuse as a child or severe trauma (Alters in dissociative identity disorder: Metaphors or genuine entities? Merckelbach, Harald ; Devilly, Grant J. ; Rassin, Eric Clinical Psychology Review, 2002,)   Others claim that there is not enough evidence to conclude this. These skeptics claim that DID has nothing to do with childhood trauma. They believe it to be something else, though they are not sure what. (Piper, August, and Harold Merskey. "The persistence of folly: A critical examination of dissociative identity disorder. Part I. The excesses of an improbable concept." Canadian Journal of Psychiatry) The separate personalities, or alters, are created to protect the person with DID from painful or harmful memories. This is called dissociation. (Alters in dissociative identity disorder: Metaphors or genuine entities? Merckelbach, Harald ; Devilly, Grant J. ; Rassin, Eric Clinical Psychology Review, 2002,)  They can separate traumatizing events into another entity thereby usually blocking the memory or event from the actual person. 

These alters can have separate memories, appearances, personalities, history, age, gender, emotions, and psychological disorders. Some of the memories alters may have are false, and can confuse the actual person. Sometimes, several of the alters are aware of each other. (Alters in dissociative identity disorder: Metaphors or genuine entities? Merckelbach, Harald ; Devilly, Grant J. ; Rassin, Eric Clinical Psychology Review, 2002, Vol.22(4), pp.481-497 [Peer Reviewed Journal]) The alters are often locked in time, containing certain memories the person has either blocked or forgotten. Individual alters may come out when needed. For example, if the person is scared an alter that is strong and brave may appear. (Howell, Elizabeth F. The Treatment of Dissociative Identity Disorder. Routledge, 2012.)

‘Well but what happens in the brain for this to happen?’  You’re wondering. I was shown some tests and studies done and they came to several conclusions. In one test, there were differences in the blood flow in the frontal and occipital areas of the brain compared to healthy people. And there was also slower blood flow in DID patients orbitofrontal areas. But there was quicker blood flow in DID patients in the medial and superior frontal and occipital areas of the brain. (Frontal and occipital perfusion changes in dissociative identity disorder. Vedat Sar,Seher N. Unal,Erdinc Ozturk Psychiatry Research: Neuroimaging. Elsevier. 15 December 2007.) In another study, people with DID were put through tests and then the results were compared with the results from people without DID. It was discovered that people with DID have significantly smaller hippocampal and amygdalae. These results have also been found in people with PTSD, and depression. Many people diagnosed with DID are also diagnosed with PTSD. (Vermetten, Eric, et al. "Hippocampal and amygdala volumes in dissociative identity disorder." American Journal of Psychiatry 163.4 (2006): 630-636.) So they have found differences in people with DID as compared to a person without it, but they haven’t concluded as to what causes those differences in the first place.

It can take five to twelve years to be diagnosed with DID. For me it was six years. People with DID are often missed diagnosed with things like schizophrenia and can be institutionalized. These misdiagnoses are because the switching of alters can be very subtle.  (Howell, Elizabeth F. The Treatment of Dissociative Identity Disorder. Routledge, 2012.)

When I was five, I started not remembering huge pieces of time. I would open my eyes and be somewhere with no memory of going there.  I was taken to doctor after doctor with no results

My Alters

My Alters

I bet you’re wondering how I got DID. Who abused me? What happened? Well, I really don’t know myself. But one of my alters, Sally, apparently told my therapist that my father used to beat me while my mother was at work. When my mother asked him where all my bruises came from, he said I had fallen. I was too scared to tell the truth. (Alters in dissociative identity disorder: Metaphors or genuine entities? Merckelbach, Harald ; Devilly, Grant J. ; Rassin, Eric Clinical Psychology Review, 2002.) Eventually, my mother secretly put up cameras in the house and caught my father in the act. She immediately called the cops, and now my father is in prison for the next fifty years.

My mom remarried when I was eight, and I now I have three half siblings. My mother became concerned when I would not remember entire days or even weeks, and eventually I was diagnosed with DID.  

Main Alters

Sally- a little girl perpetually trapped at the age of five. When she takes over, I am sometimes found locked into my closet whispering about my father.

John- a teenage boy, who is very protective of Sally. Sally and John are the only alters aware of each other.

Anne- a motherly figure, she dotes on my younger siblings and appears when they are upset.

Daisy- a teenage girl who is always angry. She will lash out at people for almost no reason.

Each of them represent a certain point of time in my life, according to my therapist, and for the most part they are stuck there. He claims that sally represents me as a little girl. And that John is the older brother, the protector that I desperately wanted and needed. Anne represents my mother, who was never there to comfort me.  Daisy is the newest one; she appeared about three years ago. Not that it’s anybody’s business but I was in a really bad place then, apparently Daisy is me from that time. (Howell, Elizabeth F. The Treatment of Dissociative Identity Disorder. Routledge, 2012.)There are thirty alters like I said, but these ones appear the most often. Well bye for now.